4 Simple Yet Powerful Ways To Protect Your Marriage

Podcast (listen-to-this-article-here): Play in new window | Download (Duration: 11:06 — 20.3MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | RSS

Years ago I was guest teaching at a small Bible College. My friend, a full-time professor there, had done the unthinkable. He had left his wife and literally run away with one of the students. It was a major moral disaster for his marriage, his family, the girl and the Bible school. I began to think about what to do to protect your marriage.

Here we are at church a few weeks ago.

As I write this, Carolyn and I are about to celebrate our 37th anniversary (on August 4, 2016). I’m so thankful that we’ve never had such a horrible marital crisis as this couple. Why didn’t we? One big reason is that we have implemented simple yet powerful protections.

How can you protect your marriage? How can you make sure nothing like this ever happens to you?

Here are 4 simple yet powerful ways to protect your marriage:

01. Be very careful about outside male-female friendships.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23 NIV)

Carolyn and I have best friends: hers are female, mine are male. 

We hear about couples who have best friendships of the opposite sex that end in disaster. It’s almost proverbial that marriages are often obliterated when a spouse runs off with a best friend.

Affairs don’t incubate and hatch in 5 minutes. There’s a “courting” period. Thus, the further we stay away from any potential of incubation, the safer our marriages will be.

To protect your marriage, be very careful about your outside relationships.

02. Try to avoid all appearance of evil.

“Abstain from all appearance of evil.” (1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV)

Years ago when traveling with Josh McDowell we met a single church leader who had a large house. His girlfriend was living in one of the “other bedrooms.” Josh cited this verse as reason enough not to have a girlfriend living in the house, period. Although they claimed to be living separately, they were not avoiding “all appearance of evil.”

Of course, avoiding the appearance of evil is always a judgment call. Someone might think it is OK to have lunch out with a person of the opposite sex. Others might not.

How do we know what is appropriate? One great way is to ask your spouse and then accept the response without argument. Even better, ask the Lord. If your heart is humble and seeking Him, He will guide you into a wise course of action (James 1:5).

03. Don’t compare unless it’s a favorable comparison.

“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” (Proverbs 31:29 NLT)

“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” (Song of Solomon 4:7 ESV)

I love how the writer of these passages praises his wife as the “best in the world” in whom there is “no flaw.” Were those conclusions based on scientific research? Of course not—it’s just opinion.

Likewise, in my opinion, my wife is the wisest and most beautiful woman in the world.

If you refuse to make unfavorable comparisons, your opinion will be the same. Simply the best.

The opposite is to compare and even verbally demean your spouse. That’s about the dumbest thing in the world to do. This includes say cutting things and are “just joking.”

But the problem isn’t just spoken words. The issue begins with our attitudes. Any attitude like “I could have done better,” and “now I’m stuck” or “I don’t know what I was thinking” has your marriage on dangerous grounds.

To protect your marriage, don’t compare your spouse unless you are making a favorable comparison.

04. Avoid slippery slopes.

As I write, Carolyn and I have our handyman Leonard in the backyard putting steps into the slope down our hill. Why? Because it is quite steep and every time we need to go to the bottom of our property, we slide and almost fall. It’s dangerous—someone could wrench their back or ever suffer broken bones.

In a similar way, there are slippery slopes in marriage we must carefully avoid.

Here are some examples:

• Connecting with “old flames” on Facebook or other social media.

• Pornography

• Flirting with the opposite sex.

• Shows, movies and other entertainment with the outright or subtle message that “sexual relations outside of marriage are exciting and harmless.

• ”Sexual daydreaming and lust.

People say, “What’s the danger? It’s just entertainment, just fun. Don’t be so stodgy.”

Proverbs puts the danger in this way: “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7a KJV)

Someone summarized this idea with this wise saying:

We sow a thought and reap an act;

We sow an act and reap a habit;

We sow a habit and reap a character;

We sow a character and reap a destiny.

It all begins with our thoughts. How do you get rid of the slippery slope of harmful thoughts? You practice “thought replacement.” You replace bad thoughts and temptation with good and helpful thoughts.

This is exactly what God’s Word says to do: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8 ESV)

This year (2016) marks the halfway point of our marriage, 37 years (I’m shooting for 75!). How will we make it? It will take effort AND healthy habits like the 4 in this article. I pray that you will protect your marriage by following these 4 guidelines also.

For more help with building a happy marriage, check out these articles I have written:

• Five Keys to Stay Happily Married for 34 Years

• Five MORE Keys to Stay Happily Married for 34 Years

• 5 Ways to Porn-proof Your Mind and Marriage

• Why Did God Create Marriage?

• The Toilet Bowl is Swirling – Keep the Lid Closed!

• Podcast: Is divorce OK if things just aren’t working?

• Podcast: Is interracial marriage biblical?

NOTE: Facebook is random. Email is reliable. Subscribe via email and you won’t miss any of my articles, podcasts or videos. You’ll also get my eBook: 10 Prayers to Unlock Heaven on Earth

What Is True Forgiveness?

Podcast (listen-to-this-article-here): Play in new window | Download (Duration: 11:22 — 20.8MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | RSS

What does true forgiveness mean when you have been obviously violated? Recently someone did some poor work on our new house and failed to make it right. It appears that a clear act of negligence will result in a loss for Carolyn and me.

CC Image courtesy of Flickr

Who hasn’t been violated in some way and had to wrestle with forgiveness? And how many times have we been the violator. This week I hiked up a hill but in the process walked across a man’s property. He got very angry at me for going through his property and even yelled about getting out a gun. I needed his forgiveness.

Before considering what forgiveness means, let’s consider what forgiveness is NOT or not necessarily:

Pretending there is no pain or loss.Let it go, let it go…if that means allowing someone to repeatedly injury a helpless victim when we can stop them.Forgetting it ever happened. That might be a nice goal, but unattainable. (However we can refuse to obsess about past events.)Letting a guilty party be unaccountable to the law. (Prosecution might be necessary and helpful to stop a recurrence.)

Another great question is: Why should I forgive and what are the benefits of forgiveness?

First, forgiveness is primarily for the forgiver, not for the forgiven. Why? Because if we don’t forgive, we live with bitterness, anger, resentment, and angst. All of these create unrest for our souls AND greatly hinder our spiritual life.

Also, our prayers will not be answered:

Isaiah 59:2 says, “Your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.”

The Psalmist wrote “If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not     have listened” (Psalm 66:18).

In addition, we won’t be forgiven for our sins:

Jesus said, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:15 NIV)

Someone said that not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

Someone else said “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and then find out that the prisoner was you.”

So what is true forgiveness? I came across a wonderful definition from a Puritan writer Thomas Watson.

Question: When do we forgive others?

Answer: When we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for them, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them. (Thomas Watson, Body of Divinity, p. 581)

There is a lot in that definition. But every part is biblical and vital.

Let’s consider how each part of this definition is a biblical description of true forgiveness:

01. When we strive against all thoughts of revenge;

“Do not say, ‘I will repay evil’;     wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.” (Proverbs 20:22 ESV)

“Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9 ESV)

02. when we will not do our enemies mischief,

 “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.” (Romans 12:17 ESV)

03. but wish well to them,

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.” (Romans 12:14 ESV)

“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you.” (Luke 6:27-28a NLT)

04. grieve at their calamities,

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 ESV)

05. pray for them,

“Pray for those who hurt you.” (Luke 6:28b NLT)

06. seek reconciliation with them,

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” (Matthew 18:15 NLT)

07. and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them.

“See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.” (1 Thessalonians 5:15 NLT)

So there we have it: a biblical definition and description of true forgiveness.

If we live by this description, we will know freedom of spirit and peace.If we fail to forgive, we will have bitterness of spirit, our prayers won’t be answered and God will not forgive us!

So who do you need to forgive and how are you doing in true forgiveness?

The Bible says: “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” (James 3:14 NIV)

Andy Rooney made a wise observation: “When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”

To help you evaluate, here’s a summary checklist for true forgiveness:

• When we strive against all thoughts of revenge;

• when we will not do our enemies mischief,

• but wish well to them,

• grieve at their calamities,

• pray for them,

• seek reconciliation with them,

• and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them.

For more help with forgiveness, revenge, and bitterness see my posts on:

• 6 Solutions When You Suffer for Doing Good

• Having Just One Person to Please Brings Peace

• 5 Smart Ways to Resist Revenge and Enjoy Peace Today

• 3 Steps to Overcoming Betrayal and Building Trust Again

• Forgiving is So Important Scary

• Have You Been Pecked At?

Irreconcilable Selfishness, Grounds For Divorce

Podcast (listen-to-this-article-here): Play in new window | Download (Duration: 14:20 — 26.3MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | RSS

Recently I was asked to speak on how to make a marriage last. The emailed invitation included this statement: “You guys obviously have a lot of street cred in this area.” I’m choosing to take that statement as a compliment instead of an inference to my age!

Here’s Carolyn and me at the front door of our new house.

After nearly 37 years of marriage, I guess we do have a track record and maybe some authority to speak on the subject.

My thesis for this article is this: too often divorce happens on the grounds of irreconcilable selfishness, (NOT irreconcilable differences as the phrase normally goes.)

I understand that divorce doesn’t always happen because of irreconcilable selfishness. The reasons for divorce can be complex and sometimes biblically acceptable in cases of:

• Infidelity, see Matthew 5:32

• Abandonment, see 1 Corinthians 7:15

There are certainly innocent victims of divorce due to these issues and perhaps others.

But I’m convinced that most marriages can flourish if we work hard to banish irreconcilable selfishness.

So here are 3 ways to overcome irreconcilable selfishness and make your marriage thrive:

01. Meet your spouse’s needs (and watch how yours are met in return).

Most people respond to kindness with kindness.

Sure, there are some who are impossibly egocentric. But for normal people, being kind results in kindness returned.

But even if people do not respond in kind, Scripture is clear about how we should act: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

Should you be a doormat? No! In fact I have written about 6 Strategies to Handle Insults Without Becoming a Doormat.

Jesus Himself set the example of meeting other’s needs. A vivid illustration happened when He washed His disciples’ feet and then applied his actions to our lives:

“After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, ‘Do you understand what I was doing? You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.” (John 13:12-17 NLT)

This teaching plays out in marriage in many ways. Specific application is found in Ephesians 5:21-33 where husbands and wives are told to meet some very critical needs.

The passage is summarized in the final verse: “So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33 NLT)

This verse tells us to meet our spouse’s most critical need:

• A wife’s greatest need is typically to feel loved.

• A husband’s greatest need is typically to feel respected.

How does a husband love his wife and show it? The best way to show love to your wife is to speak the love language that she speaks. Gary Chapman has described these in his books and seminars and helped many marriages.

How does a wife show respect to her husband? ASK HIM! Ask “How can I show you how much I admire and respect you?” Don’t ask just once, ask and get feedback until you are an expert on your husband’s desires.

Of course, some people are so obstinate and selfish, there might not be a great response to your kindness. Sometimes you might even suffer for doing good as I described in an article titled 6 Solutions When You Suffer for doing Good.

But you won’t know until you try.

02. Enjoy and celebrate your differences.

1 Corinthians 12:12-31 speaks about the church as the body of Christ. It uses the analogy of the human body saying that all the members of a church have different functions, just like all the parts of the human body have different functions.

I get a chuckle out of the Apostle’s description of the importance of each member when he writes: “If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?” (1 Corinthians 12:17 NLT)

Can you imagine a giant eyeball rolling around doing nothing but seeing? I picture the character Mike Wazowski in the movie Monster’s Inc. He is close to being just a giant eyeball.

Likewise, in marriage we have differences that can beautifully compliment our spouse. The best marriages learn to make the most of the differences instead of letting them become annoyances.

Instead of letting differences turn into irritations and then irreconcilable selfishness, the best marriages move through 3 stages that look something like this:

• Learning the differences. Early in relationships there is a lot of learning. We find out that our values and upbringings were different. The key here is to focus on learning instead of judging because MY values are obviously better, more intelligent, etc.

• Laughing at the differences. As soon as possible, it is great to get a giggle out of the differences. I am NOT saying we laugh at our spouse or make fun of their differences or values. But we learn to chuckle about things like how one likes the covers off and the other freezes if they’re not piled high.

• Lauding the differences. As a marriage matures, spouses begin to realize that part of the strength of marriage is in the differences of perspective. We learn from each other, we balance each other, we are stronger when two minds combine to find the best outcome.

Over the years Carolyn and I have learned to enjoy and celebrate our differences. They are not problems, they are strengths.

Early in our marriage one of Carolyn’s legitimate complaints was that I had to be right and I didn’t appreciate that she had a different point of view. I felt that what I was trying to do was obviously the right way since I was smarter—which is proof of how stupid I was!

03. Fake it ‘til you make it.

I am not suggesting that you be disingenuous. I’m suggesting that you act in a way that you don’t necessarily feel, until you achieve the result of a happy marriage.

This is taught in Scripture: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” (1 Peter 3:1-2 ESV)

See how it says you can win your spouse over “without a word by the conduct?” That means you don’t act the way you necessarily feel. You act the way that will produce the results you are looking for—a happy and harmonious marriage.

It might be difficult to act in a loving way to your spouse who is not responding. But the Bible says to keep doing so in order that they might be “won without a word.” It’s a great way to overcome irreconcilable selfishness.

This principle is beautifully portrayed in the movie Fireproof. At first the firefighter husband is a jerk who ignores his wife and dabbles in porn. As a result, she loses emotional attachment and becomes interested in another man. So when the husband comes around and wants to restore the marriage, he has nearly lost his wife. His loving actions are treated with contempt. But he keeps on acting lovingly until he wins her back and saves their marriage.

Some relationships might be too far gone and some spouses might not respond. But you don’t know until you try. So the best approach is to do as the Bible suggests and “fake it till you make it.”

Recently a friend shared how she used this same tactic in her workplace. In a strained relationship with a coworker she decided to “kill ‘em with kindness.” The result? It worked! Today they enjoy a harmonious relationship after what was once very contentious.

So in your marriage, banish irreconcilable selfishness. Act lovingly, kindly and patiently and see if you don’t get a happy marriage in return.

A few years ago I wrote about Five Keys to Stay Happily Married for 34 Years and Five MORE Keys to Stay Happily Married for 34 Years. Please check out those articles for more help to make marriage work.