3 Keys To Maintain Unity

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I loved the church I grew up in. But at age 18, I saw the whole thing crumble before my eyes.

This is the church I grew up in and loved.

After a contentious business meeting, about half the church literally got up and left, never to come back again.

This was a gut-wrenching, life-changing experience, both for those who left and those who stayed. For some, it was a faith-shattering experience which they never recovered from.

The issues were complex, and many mistakes were made.

Rather than talking about mistakes, let’s consider what we can do to help preserve unity, based on Philippians 2:1-8.

Here are 3 keys to maintain unity in a church, which can also help any ministry, family and other organization:

01. Make unity a major focus.

“Live in harmony by showing love for each other. Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person.” (Philippians 2:2 CEV)

It’s been interesting to watch the recent presidential debates, especially in the large Republican field. Two candidates will bicker with each other over a subject, each one claiming that the other is wrong. No common voter can truly say who is right and who is wrong.

Then other candidates will chime in criticizing them for criticizing each other. It’s almost comical.

While bickering may be entertaining in politics and perhaps elsewhere, it is NOT appealing in the church. 

In fact, many people see the quarreling and are turned away from Christ and His church.

Bickering and strife nullifies what Jesus said should be a great attraction to Him:

“By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” (John 13:35 KJV)

Unity in the church is not just nice, it is necessary.

However, that does not mean we should never speak up. Jesus was gentle at the right times, but also tough at the right times.

He cleared the Temple of the moneychangersHe called religious leaders a “brood of vipers, hypocrites, blind guides, whitewashed tombs, and children of hell.” (Read Matthew 23 and check out my article “Jesus Wasn’t Always Seeker Sensitive”)

There is a time to be tough and a time to be tender. Discerning these takes great maturity and a mastery of the next two keys.

02. Desperately avoid two unity killers: “strife and vainglory.”  

The next verse in this passage says “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory” (Philippians 2:3a KJV)

This statement addresses the heart of problems which cause so much disunity in churches, ministries and families.

a. The first unity killer is “strife.”

Various translations render this word “selfish ambition, self-interest, selfishness, rivalry, contention, a spirit of factitiousness.”

This unity killer is manifested in actions such as:

• Gossip

• Cliques

• Cutting words

• Revenge

• Jealousy

“It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.” (Proverbs 20:3 ESV)

b.The second unity killer is “vainglory.”

Some seek glory in the church and elsewhere. They want attention, recognition, honor, position, flattery, praise, honor. But it is vainglory, which means empty glory.

This unity killer is manifested in actions such as:

• Wanting to be acknowledged as a leader

• Overconfidence

• Overestimating one’s importance

• Wanting to be on the right committees and perhaps the chairman, for the purpose of honor instead of service

• Concern about being overlooked or neglected

But Jesus said “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Matthew 23:12 ESV)

03. Make it your goal to lift others up.

“In lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 2:3b-5 KJV)

This is the heart of the solution to disunity. Why? Because most disunity comes from people wanting their own way, wanting to be the big leader, and wanting to look good as explained in point #2 above.

Instead, we are to:

• Regard others as better than ourselves

• Honor others

• Lift others up

• Bless others

• Return insult with blessing

In short, we are to strive to be like Jesus when He humbled Himself: “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:5-8 ESV)

This does NOT mean we are to:

• Become just a doormat

• Be abused without response

• Never stand up for anything

No, it means we are to determine the right time to speak up, to fight for what is right, and decide whether to disagree agreeably or to be assertive.

To help determine when it is right to fight, we must determine our motivations. Wrong motivations are outlined in point #2 above.

Some right motivations for disagreeing are:

• When Scripture is being compromised

• When we should defend someone who is being mistreated

• When we can lovingly correct someone who is walking in sin

• When we can lovingly correct someone who is misunderstanding or misusing Scripture

• When a ministry is being used for personal gain

• When certain that your goal is not personal gain, but helping others

In general, if I’m just fighting for “me” I better be very careful. But if I am standing for Christ and the greater good, I’m on much more solid ground.

I am not saying all this is easy and neither does Scripture. In fact, it is often extremely difficult to practice these 3 keys to maintain unity.

It is everyone’s responsibility to work for unity, regardless of how difficult it may be. 

Here’s an encouraging thought about the church around the world: The church is filled with humble servants, incredible sacrifice, remarkable giving, and anonymous service, all motivated by the love of the Lord.

Sure, occasions of disunity happen. However, that is not the norm. In fact, part of the reason we shake our heads when we hear of church splits is because they are uncommon.

Put a drop of red dye in a jar of pure water and everything appears to change and starts to turn red. So it is with disunity.

Let’s celebrate the majority of time there is unity, and do our very best to follow these 3 keys to maintain unity. 

If you found this article helpful, you might want to check out these articles on resolving conflict:

• 3 Valuable Tools to Resolve Conflict in a Hostile World

• How to face Church Conflicts with Confidence

• 6 Strategies to Handle Insults Without Becoming a Doormat

Is Divorce OK With God If Things Aren’t Working?

"Christianity Questions and Answers" podcast CQA 015

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A blog reader from England wrote to explain the challenges of his marriage and then ask: “Is divorce OK with God if things are not working out?” So, is divorce OK with God?

He said it this way:

“…we have realised we have very incompatible characters which have failed to reconcile up to now. Both of us are stressed and we do no know the way forward. We are both born again Christians.

We have both reached a point that we think divorce is an optimal solution for us. However, we also fear this is not allowed in the Bible and yet we find this marriage is not taking us anywhere. We are deteriorating in the spirit instead of growing because of these issues. Kindly advise on this situation.”

I wrote him back as best I could answer. Later I recorded this podcast for others who might be wondering the same thing or help others with this question.

To listen to this podcast, just hit the play arrow above.

To listen via iTunes, click HERE.

For more help with building a happy marriage, check out these resources on this site:

• Five Keys to Stay Happily Married for 34 Years Why Did God Create Marriage?

• 5 Ways to Porn-proof Your Mind and Marriage

• Why Did God Create Marriage?

• The Toilet Bowl is Swirling – Keep the Lid Closed!

• 4 Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Protect Your Marriage

• Podcast: Why did God invent marriage?

• Irreconcilable Selfishness, Grounds for Divorce

For more help:

• To receive Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord click HERE to learn how.

• To develop your relationship with God, get my free eBook “10 Prayers to Unlock Heaven on Earth” click HERE. 

To learn more about this podcast and how to submit your questions, click HERE.

Why Did God Create Marriage?

Some of His reasons might surprise you!

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The recent gay marriage debate and decisions by the US Supreme Court have triggered reflection on the roots and the purpose of marriage. How do we know the meaning of marriage? In order to know, we have to go to the source—the Creator of marriage, Almighty God.

Carolyn and I on vacation this fall, with our cruise ship in the background.

The government and courts of the USA are choosing an increasingly secular approach to this question and many others. However, still 96.9% of the population believes in God, and in the USA we typically believe in the God of the Bible.

So what does the Bible say about why God created marriage? Getting to the roots of why God created marriage will help eliminate confusion over what a marriage can and cannot be:

• Knowing God’s purposes can help us determine when to get married and when not to.

• Knowing this can help us endure the challenges every marriage faces.

• It helps form a solid foundation that can carry us through all kinds of storms.

So here is what the Bible says about the question, “Why did God create marriage?”:

01. Companionship

Genesis 2:18 (NLT) says about the first union (Adam and Eve), “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.’”

When Adam was without a wife, he was “alone.” God said that was not good.

I can relate to that. Without Carolyn I would be a lonely, sad, pitiful little puppy.

So God made a “helper” or ideal partner who was just right for him. The word translated “helper” is ‘ezer in the original Hebrew. The same word is used of God helping us in many passages such as Psalm 115:9-11.

The idea of a “helper” means meeting needs for companionship and partnership. This happens on many levels: relationally, emotionally, socially, financially, parentally, intellectually, recreationally and so on.

I could go on all day about how Carolyn is my compliment and “better half” in all these ways. That’s the way it is supposed to be. Not just for me, but for my companionship with her as well.

02. Sexual Fulfillment

Who created sex? Surprise—it was God.

Marriage is meant to be the fulfillment and release of our sex drives: “So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9 NLT)

Paul wasn’t saying marriage is bad, but that he found it helpful to be single so that he could focus on ministry. But he admitted that for most “it’s better to marry than to burn.”

God created sex as a wonderful gift for the union of a man and woman in marriage. He even said that sex is so important that married couples are not to stop having sex unless for a very good reason: “Don’t withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so for a set time to devote yourselves to prayer. Then you should get back together so that Satan doesn’t use your lack of self-control to tempt you.” (1 Corinthians 7:5 GW)

Other Scripture passages affirm sex between a husband and wife. I list several in contrast to homosexual sex which the Bible calls sin in my article “What the Bible Says About Homosexuality: Uncut, Uncensored and Unedited.”

03. Reproduction

One of God’s original commands to Adam and Eve was that they have children: “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it.” (Genesis 1:28a KJV)

Having children is the natural desire of most couples. When it is not possible, our hearts go out to the childless.

04. Raising Godly Children

Not only are we to have children, we are to raise them in God’s ways: “So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.” (Deuteronomy 11:18-21 NLT)

For a helpful perspective on how challenging it can be to raise children, see my article, “I Was a Perfect Parent…Then I Had Kids.”

05. To Demonstrate Christ’s Symbolic Marriage to His Bride, the Church

Ephesians 5:22-33 makes it clear that marriages are meant to reflect the wonderful love relationship between Jesus and His church.

This passage tells husbands and wives to meet the most basic need of their spouse:

• The instruction for a husband is to love his wife.

• The instruction for a wife is to honor her husband.

When husbands and wives do these, they demonstrate Christ’s symbolic marriage to his bride, the Church.

06. The Basic Building Block of Society

Throughout the Bible we see that the family is the basic unit and building block of society:

• The children of Israel camped and were protected by families during the Exodus

• The rebuilding of the wall around Jerusalem was done in sections by families, as recorded in Nehemiah, and they were willing to fight to protect their families

• Jesus was raised in the Holy Family

• People were often converted to Christ as whole familes (see Acts 16:33)

Research shows that when families are weak, societies are weak:

• Educationally

• Morally

• Economically

• Criminally

It is no wonder that the only one of the ten commandments that has promises attached to it is this one: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12 ESV)

Note in this commandment that when parents and therefore families are honored, there is:

• A promise of long life

• A promise of living in the Promised Land (prosperity)

For these reasons we must do all we can to protect marriage against threats such as:

• Infidelity

• Divorce

• Abuse

• Redefinition

• Unfair taxation

• And any other threats

Finally, a reminder: there is one overriding purpose for marriage and all of life: “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:17 NIV)

Our purpose in marriage and all we do is to glorify God. May He be glorified in every way in your life, marriage and family.