6 Strategies To Handle Insults Without Becoming A Doormat

Early in my ministry I encountered a church member who thought it was OK to say whatever he thought about me as the pastor. One day in a church meeting he spoke up and said something very demeaning.

CC Image courtesy of hobvias sudoneighm on Flickr

I was shocked. Ironically his wife was extremely sensitive and would get offended at the slightest issues.

Stunned and not knowing what to do, I let it slide. But in retrospect, I am convinced that it would have been better to have addressed the unkind words. By not doing so he got the wrong message – that his behavior was acceptable. A friend later told me that he wished that he had spoken up as well.

It’s not that I was above criticism. The problem was the place and the tone in which he expressed his displeasure.

We can’t control what others will say but, we can learn how to respond well.

King David also had to learn to deal with negative comments.

2 Samuel 16:5-7 says: “As King David came to Bahurim, a man came out of the village cursing them. It was Shimei son of Gera, from the same clan as Saul’s family. He threw stones at the king and the king’s officers and all the mighty warriors who surrounded him. ‘Get out of here, you murderer, you scoundrel!’ he shouted at David.”

6 Strategies to Handle Insults:

1. Bear the Insults and Refuse to Retaliate

“And David said to Abishai and to all his servants, ‘Look, my own son seeks my life; how much more now may this Benjaminite! Leave him alone.’” (2 Samuel 16:11a)

Like David we should:

• Keep our cool. (Proverbs 15:1)

• Turn the other cheek. (Matthew 5:39)

• Refuse revenge. (Romans 12:19)

2. Take Some Time to Consider Three Questions

Ask yourself:

• Are these constructive or destructive comments?

• How would God want me to respond?

• What can I learn from this experience?

3. Respond Properly to Unkind Words

Remember: “A gentle answer turns away rage, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

• Plan to speak to the person in private.

• Don’t gossip about them.Thank them and request they share future concerns with you privately.

• Make them aware of your feelings and perspective.If there is no common ground, amicably agree to disagree.

• Forgive them even if they don’t deserve it, request it, or receive it.

4. Remember God is in Control

David said “and let him curse, for the Lord has told him to.” (2 Samuel 16:11b)

David had confidence that God was still in control and even Shimei’s cursing was under God’s prompting and control.

Through insults God may be:

• Directing us

• Teaching us

• Correcting us

It is tempting to forget that God is sovereign when we are insulted. But He is still on His throne and working all things together for good (Romans 8:28)!

5. Live for an Audience of One

We may be offended because our self esteem is based on admiration from others.

But living to please people is futile:

• Everyone has their own opinion.

• Some people are never happy.

Our focus should be on pleasing God, not people. “What I want is God’s approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10 GNB)

6. Trust God for Restoration

David said: “It may be that the Lord will look on the wrong done to me and that the Lord will repay me with good for his cursing today.” (2 Samuel 16:12)

David responded correctly and trusted God to reward him someday.

God is always able to repair the harm that has been done. We must pray, wait, trust and watch for the Lord to work.

Remember that God is:

• Faithful

• Just

• Good

• Kind

The “Prince of Preachers” Charles Spurgeon said, “Get your friend to tell you your faults, or better still welcome an enemy who will watch you keenly and sting you savagely. What a blessing such an irritating critic will be to a wise man. What an intolerable nuisance to a fool.”

If you found this post helpful, you might also benefit from my blog “3 Steps to Overcoming Betrayal and Building Trust Again.”

3 Steps To Overcoming Betrayal And Building Trust Again

Years ago I hired a part-time church staff member to help with the business aspects of ministry. After just a few months, I found out that he had gathered a group to discuss whether it was biblical to pay pastors. He never consulted me on the issue. It was a secret “Bible Study” on an issue of fundamental importance to me as the leader of the church.

(CC Image courtesy of Christian Scheja on Flickr)

The Bible is quite clear on the topic of pastoral payment (see 1 Corinthians 9:14, 1 Timothy 5:17-18). If he had consulted with me, we could have resolved the issue, and developed a bond together. But instead, he avoided me and acted subversively. He was soon gone from this part-time job.

A betrayal is a violation of our trust. For example:

• Physical, verbal, or sexual abuse at the hands of a friend, parent or other family member

• A business partner or associate who withholds vital information from you

• Disloyalty from a trusted team member

The Bible is filled with true examples of betrayals. Jesus knew the pain of betrayal. Judas, one of His trusted disciples, turned Him in to those who wanted to kill Him. Judas even took award money for betraying Christ.

1 Samuel 16:1-4 records the betrayal which King David experienced by Mephibosheth. David had taken him in and graciously treated him like his own son. But Mephibosheth was ungrateful and abandoned David in pursuit of his grandfather Saul’s kingdom.

There are 3 steps that can help us navigate our way through the terrible pain of betrayal:

1. Acknowledge our Feelings

When betrayed, it is normal to feel and express a range of emotions such as:

• Denial

• Anger

• Sadness

• Fear

• Hopelessness

These emotions may come in overwhelming waves, but with God’s help we can make progress toward wholeness.

Unhealthy responses such as substance abuse, violence and rage will only complicate our lives and delay recovery.

Healthy responses to the pain of betrayal include:

• Praying and reading God’s Word

• Talking with a trusted friend

• Meeting with a counselor

• Journaling about our feelings

• Exercising and self care

2. Have Faith that God has a Plan

Joseph was betrayed by his brothers. They threw him into a pit and then sold him into slavery. He was also falsely accused by his Egyptian slave master’s wife and thrown into prison. However, God was with Joseph in prison and blessed him.

After Joseph’s release from prison he became the top leader in Egypt next to Pharaoh and was able to keep his family alive during a severe famine.

Joseph said to his brothers “And you intended evil against me, but God meant it for good, in order to make it as it is this day, to keep a great many people alive.” (Genesis 50:20)

Christians have God’s promise of Romans 8:28 which says “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

We, like Joseph, can rest assured that God is working a plan for good even in the midst of sinful betrayal!

3. Forgive and Learn to Trust Again if Trust is Earned

During betrayal, forgiveness may be unimaginable. We may feel like forgiveness would mean letting the person get away with their disloyal actions.

But, consider the consequences of holding in such damaging emotions such as:

• Anger

• Fear

• Resentment

• Bitterness

Medical doctors tell us these emotions can result in:

• Cancer

• Depression

• High blood pressure

• Weight gain

Forgiveness sets us free.

According to Mark 11:25, our forgiveness of another’s betrayal is a requirement for us to receive God’s forgiveness. Jesus said; “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)

We have all fallen short of God’s perfect standard and sinned. If anyone has a right to hold a grudge it is God. Yet he forgives us through Jesus Christ, and expects us to do the same, for our own good.

Forgiveness:

Is a decision based on our will, not our feelings.Provides an opportunity to rebuild trust as it is earned.

In time, we can learn to risk and trust again if trust is earned.

Forgiveness is always healthy and required by God. Rebuilding trust depends on the renewed trustworthiness of the betrayer.

Give forgiveness freely and generously. Give renewed trust as it is earned.

How To Grow Through A Season Of Loss

Today I am mourning the loss of a wonderful friend and mentor, Floyd “Mac” McElveen. He died just a few days ago at age 88.

My brother Brian receiving the Navy flag after the loss of his son Beau

Remarkably, he lived over 20 years after a heart transplant.

Mac was a pastor, church planter, missionary, National Evangelist and author. Over 2 million of his books are in print!

The hardest death I have experienced was the abrupt death of my mother in 1995. Suddenly the one who birthed and raised me was gone. She was just 69 years old. 

We held a memorial service and wept. Then we shed more tears as mom’s casket was placed in the frozen ground in Ohio.

The reality of death hit me like it never had before. It took many months to heal from the terrible loss.

We will all suffer devastating losses: loved ones, friendships, jobs, dreams, health, finances.

How do we survive and thrive after seasons of loss? How can we get better instead of bitter?

1. Practice Biblical Mourning.

Scripture tells us to be filled with the Holy Spirit’s peace and joy. But the Bible also says there is: “A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

Shock, sadness and grief are appropriate emotions and they don’t make us defective Christians.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)

Weeping is Christ-like. After Lazarus died, the shortest verse in the Bible (with a gigantic message) tells us that “Jesus wept.” See John 11:33-36.

Weeping facilitates healing, while suppressing grief only postpones recovery.

“Hear my prayer; listen to my cry for help!” (Psalm 88:2)

2. Invest Time and Energy.

King David wrote: “I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.” (Psalm 6:6-7)

Mourning takes time and energy. These are an investment in healing.

Expect a “pain drain” after losses.

This can be challenging when, as often happens, the loss is unexpected and sudden. But no matter how inconvenient, it is worthwhile to invest the time and energy it takes to heal from the emotional wounds.

3. Expect Grief to be Individualized.

Each person has their own pace for grief and recovery. Don’t expect cookie-cutter responses.

Know yourself and your loved ones.

Introverts reflect quietly and need space; extroverts crave social interaction to process grief.

Some take longer, some take less time.

The Disciple Peter’s personal response varied based on conditions and mood. During Jesus’ arrest and trial, he boldly and defensively cut off a servant’s ear. But later in fear he denied knowing Jesus 3 times.

Here are some potential factors affecting intensity of grief:

• Past experiences

• Temperament

• Understanding God’s perspective

• Number of losses

• Fatigue

• Expectation of loss

• Eternal perspective

4. Guide Your Attitudes.

Attitudes can heal or prolong our grief.

We are not at the mercy of our attitudes; we can control them to some extent.

During the illness of his child, King David “fasted and went into his house and spent the night lying on the ground.” (2 Samuel 12:16)

But when his child died, King David responded by bathing, putting on clean clothes and worshipping the Lord.

Allow loss to delay but not devastate you.

Dr. Archibald Hart, author and professor of psychology, advises that you set a realistic time frame to mourn losses and then determine to move on.

In the midst of sorrow, always find reasons to “Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, rejoice.” (Philippians 4:4)

5. Anticipate Full Recovery.

Progress is usually made by taking two steps forward and one step back.

When you take a backwards step, don’t give up.

Thank God that your pain can become gain. You can have a new empathy to help others. You learn many things through loss. You grow stronger.

Finally, remember that no loss can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ, and that as our roots grow deeper, our relationship with Christ can also deepen:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

For more help on this issue, see my blogs on:

• “How to Handle the Death of a Loved One and Other Losses”

• “How NOT to Deal with the Death of a Loved One”

• “Four Steps to Climb Out of a Pit of Depression”