How To Conquer The Curse Of Comparison

How can we overcome harmful comparing?

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Years ago, I attended a leadership conference at Willow Creek Community Church in Chicago. It was wonderful, but I almost ruined my experience via the curse of comparison. It made me miserable.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1a NIV)

Pastor Bill Hybels had started Willow about the same time I founded my church. But his had grown into one of the biggest and most impacting churches in the USA. I compared Hybels’ success with mine and the more I compared, the more discontent I became.

I was rotting inside as Proverbs 14:30 describes, “A relaxed attitude lengthens a man’s life; jealousy rots it away.” (TLB)

Comparison and jealousy rot us as they bring discontent, bitterness, unhappiness, depression, and anger.

I knew I needed to conquer the curse of comparison. But how could I do that?

In my recent article, How the Curse of Comparison Crushes, I showed why we often struggle with comparison.

In this article, I want to share how I began to conquer the curse of comparison:

Here’s what has helped me.

1. Rest in God’s Love

If you’re a follower of Jesus, you can see yourself through this God lens: “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1a NIV)

When I think of my Heavenly Father’s lavish love for me, comparing favorably with others doesn’t seem so important.

Thankfully, God bases His love on grace alone, not my stumbling efforts. “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.” (Titus 3:4-5 NIV)

We can conquer the curse of comparison if we look at ourselves from God’s perspective and rest in His love.

Online ministry makes me a target for both Christians and pre-Christians. In response to my article 4 Reasons Why 90% Believe God Exists, (reposted by permission on ChurchLeaders) one apparent unbeliever commented, “My heart bleeds for the shallowness of your intellect.” Wow!

In response to my article on Warning – Stay Out of The Shack, one Christian admonished me to “Grow up.” Another commented “With all due respect you must be so clueless of the spirit realm.” Wow!

It’s good to know that my Heavenly Father loves me without reservation! I rest in His love.

2.  Use but Don’t Abuse Criticism

Criticism is like dynamite—it can do great harm or great good. Some use dynamite to blast away rock for gold mining. But suicide bombers put it in backpacks to kill people.

For several years, I was in a speakers’ club called Toastmasters. To improve as much as possible, at each club meeting we evaluated all who participated: all speakers, the program director, the evaluators and the chief evaluator. We shared both areas done well and things that needed to be improved. The result was major improvement.

Yet I have found two problems with criticism:

Allowing criticism to devastate me.

At times, I have allowed someone’s criticism to send me into despair.

However, I’m learning to apply the wisdom of Proverbs, “With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge and superior discernment shall the righteous be delivered.”(Proverbs 11:9 AMP)

When criticized, the right attitude is to learn from it, without letting it devastate me. The Apostle Paul set this example, “My friends, I don’t feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead.” (Philippians 3:13b CEV)

Using criticism to devastate others.

“Then let us no more criticize and blame and pass judgment on one another, but rather decide and endeavor never to put a stumbling block or an obstacle or a hindrance in the way of a brother.” (Romans 14:13 AMP)

Psychologist Arch Hart tells of a father who admitted telling his twelve-year-old son at least once a day that he would never amount to anything. He hoped that his son would rise up to prove him wrong. But the opposite happened. His son believed him and turned into a dropout and a drug addict. That father neglected the warning of Ephesians 6:4 which says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.”

On the other hand, Pastor Andy Stanley is the highly-successful son of well-known author, radio and TV pastor Charles Stanley. Andy wrote in his book Visioneering: 

In many ways I feel I am the product of the vision my father cast for me as a child. Early on he would say to me, ‘Andy, God has something very special for your life. He is going to use you in a great way.’ His words found their way into my heart. The most significant visions are not cast by great orators from a stage. They are cast at the bedsides of our children.

Harvard Business Review[1] found that in high performing work teams, there were 5.6 positive comments for every negative comment. Medium performance teams averaged 1.9 and low-performing teams averaged .36. That’s 3 negatives to 1 positive.

With my family, I’ve tried to remember this six to one ratio. This doesn’t come naturally to me, so I put a note in my daily “to-do” list to remind me to practice this 6:1 ratio.

3.  Make Pleasing Jesus the Bottom Line

To me, this is key.

The Apostle Paul emphasized this in this strong warning of Galatians 1:10, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I am trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Many other passages affirm this simple overall goal of pleasing Jesus. For example, 1 Thessalonians 2:4b says, “Our purpose is to please God, not people.” (NLT)

2 Corinthians 10:13 says, “Our goal is to measure up to God’s plan for us.” (TLB)

I’ve found that the more I focus on pleasing God, the more secure I feel. I don’t worry as much about what others think of me, or how I can impress them. I’ve become less preoccupied with trying to feel good about myself. That seems to happen automatically when I focus on pleasing my Heavenly Father.

Making people happy with me can be impossible. Being happy with myself can also be challenging. Thankfully, I only need to please one Person—the One who loves me with a perfect love, no matter how I stack up to others.

Additional resources about related subjects on this site:

• How to Avoid Comparison in a World Filled with It

• How Reluctant Leaders Become Confident Achievers for God

• What is the Worst Sin in the World?How the Curse of Comparison Crushes

• Why Christians Can be Confident in Crushing Circumstances

• You Can Do It!

NOTE: Facebook is random. Email is reliable. Subscribe via email and you won’t miss any of my articles, podcasts or videos. You’ll also get my eBook: 10 Prayers to Unlock Heaven on Earth

[1] https://hbr.org/2013/03/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism

How The Curse Of Comparison Crushes

The world is full of comparisons—what’s the problem?

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Life is full of the curse of comparison, but often comparison crushes. Did you watch “American Idol” (or as I like to call it “American Idolatry”)? Generally, I liked the show and Carolyn was a big fan. But sometimes it could be brutal. Especially early in each season when performers thought they were being brought to the next level because they were talented. In fact, they were being set up to be rather viciously mocked and humiliated by Simon and others.

One time our family went to a Madame Tussauds Wax Museum where they had an “American Idol” singing venue. I sang “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” The mechanical Simon said it was “amazing.” Then he added “amazingly awful.”

That was funny. Our boys loved laughing and mocking me with Simon. But often comparison isn’t funny. In fact, it can be highly demoralizing. Comparison crushes.

Have you experienced how comparison crushes? Maybe you were judged:

• Too slow

• Too dumb

• Too ugly

• Too awkward

• Too serious

I’ve compared my talents, income, IQ, popularity, home, career, success, children, even my spirituality, and felt like a loser on most all counts.

Why do I subject myself to the pain of comparison? The same reason you do. It is human nature to compare—a temptation that is part of the Curse; it’s the curse of comparison. And comparison crushes.

God’s Word says: “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.” (Galatians 6:4 NLT)

How Comparison Crushes

I’ve seen three major problems when I compare:

1. When I Compare, I Live in Discontent

When I compare, I rot inside just like Proverbs 14:30 describes, “A relaxed attitude lengthens a man’s life; jealousy rots it away.” (TLB)

Comparison and jealousy rot us as they bring discontent, bitterness, unhappiness, depression, and anger.

I’ve found that to be joyful, I must do as Hebrews 13:5 instructs, “…be content with what you have…” (NIV)

King Saul went bonkers with comparison and jealousy. In those days, people expected their king to lead his army into battle. Saul should have been the one to fight Goliath, but instead he let a young shepherd named David face the giant.

When David defeated Goliath, the Israelites routed the Philistines. Then “The women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with tambourines and lutes. As they danced, they sang: ‘Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.’ Saul was very angry; this refrain galled him. And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David” (1 Samuel 18:6b-9).

We don’t know the melody of this song, but we can guess what it sounded like to Saul. It sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. Like “na, na, na, na, na, na.” This comparison nearly drove him insane. For the rest of his life Saul chased David, trying to murder him.

David was one of the best things that ever happened to Saul. Yet jealous comparison drove him to near insanity.

Comparison crushes!

2. When I Compare, I Usually Major on Minors 

When we compare, we usually compare unimportant items of fortune, fame and physical features. If someone has all three, we almost see them as gods.

A tourist visiting Beverly Hills went into a drugstore to buy an ice cream cone. Unexpectedly, in walked the movie star, Paul Newman, who got in line right behind her. The woman was star struck, but she was determined to keep her composure and “be cool.”

She ordered her ice cream cone, paid for it, and then exited the drug store.

However, when outside, she realized she wasn’t holding her ice cream cone.

After waiting a moment to gain composure, she went back to get it. However, she found that the little round holder on the counter was empty. Perplexed, she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. Turning around, Paul Newman said, “Excuse me, but if you’re looking for your ice cream cone, you put it in your purse!”

While I laugh at the woman, I’ve had to admit my own celebrity-itis. Years ago, I stopped looking at People magazine, because I was lusting. It wasn’t sexual lust, but lust over the fame, fortune and features of the celebrities in the glossy photos and articles. When I compared them to me, I became dissatisfied and ungrateful.

The Lord warns against an overemphasis on these three minors:

Fortune.

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” (1 Timothy 6:10)

While not condemning wealth, Scripture cautions, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” (Hebrews 13:5)

Fame.

We seem to think that notoriety equals value. Many even admire outlaws of the Old West and gangsters of the 1930’s simply because of their renown—certainly it’s not because of their character, godliness or contributions to society!

When we honor celebrity above Christlikeness, we become like those Jesus condemned in John 12:43, “…for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.”

Fame must not be our goal. In fact, Jesus clearly warned, “Woe to you when all men speak well of you.” (Luke 6:26a)

Proverbs gives this solution, “It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the LORD, you are safe.” (Proverbs 29:25 GN)

Features.

We look at gorgeous and handsome celebrities and then look in the mirror and ask, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

The mirror responds, “It sure ain’t you!”

We need to remember David’s exclamation, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”(Psalm 139:13-14a)

God oversaw the formation of our nose, eyes, ears, height, natural size and shape. He chose the color of our hair, skin and eyes. All these were fashioned by our loving Heavenly Father and He thinks we are gorgeous just how He designed us!

Carolyn and I have three sons. After the birth of our middle son, my sister called to congratulate us and asked what he looked like. I candidly responded that he looked a lot like Yoda from Star Wars. He had a wrinkled round face with big ears and a mostly bald head with hairs sticking out here and there.

To anyone else, he probably looked homely and funny. But to his parents, he was beautiful! Likewise, our Heavenly Father thinks we look terrific just the way He made us. Who are we to disagree?

3. When I Compare, I Always Lose

When I compare, I lose, whether I come up on the long or short end. There’s no winning with comparison:

If I think I’m better, I become arrogant.

It’s good to excel. Yet, if we compare our accomplishments to others, we may conclude that we’re better. That often leads to pride.

The Scripture warns us that, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”(Proverbs 16:18) And, “People who are proud will soon be disgraced. It is wiser to be modest.”(Proverbs 11:2 GN)

Once again, comparison crushes.

I love to play basketball for recreation and exercise. But my strong temptation is to be prideful if I win and bummed if my team loses. Therefore, I’ve benefited from the advice of legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden. He instructed his players not to be so concerned with the score of a game—which he considered a distraction.

Instead, he insisted that the only important thing was that they play to the best of their ability. He writes in his book Wooden, “Did I win? Did I lose? Those are the wrong questions. The correct question is; did I make my best effort? That’s what matters. The rest of it just gets in the way.”

The result was incredible success—ten NCAA championships in 12 years, including seven in a row. Amazing.

On the other hand, if I think I’m worse, I often become despondent.

Because of my many failures, I’ve often felt inferior and unacceptable. If I dwell on these experiences, I can get depressed. In this way also, comparison crushes.

This is both painful and unbiblical. Galatians 6:4-5 says, “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.”

God says that I should look at myself, not others. The only thing that matters is that I do my best to serve God in a godly way. What others do is between them and God.

Note in this verse that we can have a sense of proper pride based on our own potential, not on comparison with others. Our pride should come from godly qualities, like biblical obedience, love, and service for Christ.

Check out my next article for tips on how to overcome the curse of comparison.

Additional resources about related subjects on this site:

• How to Survive Rejection and Find Acceptance Today

• Having Just One Person to Please Brings Peace

• How to Find Confidence in a Critical World and Stay Humble

• 6 Strategies to Handle Insults Without Becoming a Doormat

• How to be Big in God’s Kingdom When You Feel Small

• Video vlog: Have You Been Pecked At?

NOTE: Facebook is random. Email is reliable. Subscribe via email and you won’t miss any of my articles, podcasts or videos. You’ll also get my eBook: 10 Prayers to Unlock Heaven on Earth

Warning - Stay Out Of The Shack!

Bad things happen in there.

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Please stay out of The Shack. Both the novel and now the movie. The novel is theologically dangerous. The movie, opening Friday March 3, 2017, is an extension of the novel. Be careful.

Please understand, I love good stories and good movies. I wouldn’t be  advising you to stay out of The Shack unless there was significant cause for concern.

Jesus said, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.” (Matthew 7:15 ESV)

1 John 4:1 says, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.”

Christians are told to be discerning. But it seems that many Christians lack discernment.

Others have analyzed and written about the many misleading aspects of The Shack. So, I don’t need to write more—you can read their great articles here:

• Albert Mohler, “The Shack – The Missing Art of Evangelical Discernment”

• Randy Alcorn, “Reflections on The Shack”

• Tim Challies, “The Shack” by William P. Young

• Tim Keller, “The Shack–Impressions”

What I’d like to do is answer some of the reasons I’ve heard for why it’s OK to read, watch and recommend The Shack:

1. For heaven’s sake, The Shack is just fiction.

This argument is that the misleading theology in The Shack shouldn’t be taken seriously, since everyone knows it’s just a story.

The problem with this argument is that stories are some of the most powerful ways of teaching. Jesus used stories (parables) constantly to make His points.

Stories are so powerful for teaching that we read in Matthew 13:34 “Jesus used illustrations to tell the crowds all these things. He did not tell them anything without illustrating it with a story.” (GW)

One of the most popular Christian books of all time is Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan. That book teaches through the story of Pilgrim and his progress on a spiritual journey. It’s a wonderful book that teaches great biblical truth through story.

Stories are great teaching tools. Unfortunately, The Shack teaches untruth through story. Stay out of The Shack.

2. But many have been spiritually helped by The Shack.

Christians also argue that The Shack is a great book because people have found it spiritually helpful and encouraging. So, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, they say. People like it better than anything they’ve ever heard about Christianity.

The problem is that it’s more palatable than the Bible because it dilutes Biblical Truth.

Watering down spiritual truth to make it more appetizing is exactly what we’re warned about in 2 Timothy 4:3: “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions.” (ESV)

Please stay out of The Shack and help others to know about the errors also.

3. Mark, you’re just a spiritual nitpicker.

This argument is that people like myself are just too uptight. We just need to relax a little.

If The Shack had problems with minor doctrines, I would certainly not be concerned. The problem is that it misleads relating to major doctrinal areas such as salvation, the eternal state, and the nature of God.

I would not be doing my duty as a Christian leader if I didn’t sound an alarm: “You will be doing your duty as Christ’s minister if you remind your church members of these things (false teaching), and you will show yourself as one who owes his strength to the truth of the faith he has absorbed and the sound teaching he has followed. But steer clear of all these stupid Godless fictions. Take time and trouble to keep yourself spiritually fit.” (1 Timothy 4:6-7 ESV)

Note the interesting phrase in verse 7 of this passage: “But steer clear of all these stupid Godless fictions.” 

4. It promotes Jesus and that’s got to be a good thing.

Promoting Jesus is a good thing, if the Jesus promoted is the Jesus of the Bible. Unfortunately, the Jesus and theology of The Shack is often not that of the Bible.

All cults promote Jesus. But they are false cults devised by false teachers. They lead people to spiritual destruction.

Promoting Jesus is not always a good thing, when the promoting is done by false teachers.

Let’s be aware of the warning of 2 Peter: “But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed. And in their greed they will exploit you with false words.” (2 Peter 2:1-3 ESV)

Just because something has Jesus or God in it, doesn’t mean it is good. Stay out of The Shack!

5. Some Christian leaders have reviewed and endorsed it.

Please don’t imagine that anything produced by a “Christian publisher” or endorsed by a “Christian leader” must be OK. Unfortunately, that is not true.

Christian leaders make mistakes. Christian publishers publish books that have errors and mislead.

Some “Christian leaders” leave the faith. Others begin to believe doctrines that are not biblical. Follow Christian news and you’ll see this happening frequently.

You might ask, “But Mark, why should I believe you and not this other Christian leader?”

Actually, I’m not asking you to believe me. I’m asking you to read the articles by other discerning Christian leaders listed above. Study Scripture, pray and ask for spiritual discernment.

In studying for yourself, you’ll be like the commendable Bereans: “Now these Jews were more noble than those in Thessalonica; they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so.” (Acts 17:11 ESV)

Please examine the Scriptures for yourself and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you.

In conclusion, this is not a small issue. It’s a big one because it goes to the heart of the Gospel: “But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed.” (Galatians 1:8 ESV)

The bottom line: Stay out of The Shack!

Note: There are many ministries I can enthusiastically endorse. For a list, see my Recommended Resources page.

Additional resources about related subjects on this site:

• Have You Written Your Own Bible?

• Beware of Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

• Is Donald Trump a Christian?

• Jesus Wasn’t Always “Seeker Sensitive”

• Video vlog: Twisting Scripture

• Podcast: Does salvation come only through faith in Christ? (exclusivism)

NOTE: Facebook is random. Email is reliable. Subscribe via email and you won’t miss any of my articles, podcasts or videos. You’ll also get my eBook: 10 Prayers to Unlock Heaven on Earth