Five MORE Keys To Stay Happily Married For 34 Years

Carolyn and I were happily married August 4, 1979. During the first year of our marriage, she was in college and I was in graduate school. We didn’t have much money. Buying a bag of potato chips was a splurge. Going out for a meal was a huge splurge. We had a hand-me-down car, borrowed furniture and I rode a bicycle to grad school. Our first Christmas tree was a leftover three foot twig from a Christmas tree lot that we got on Christmas Eve.

Our wedding day in 1979

But wow, were we happy!

A few years later we both graduated and I began starting a church from the ground up while Carolyn practiced nursing. During that time we had our first child, then our second and then our third. Pressures mounted: time pressures, financial pressures, career pressures, relationship pressures.

Yet amazingly we stayed happily married through it all.

Now our three boys are adults and we’re in a second honeymoon phase and having a blast together.

Recently I shared about five keys to staying happily married. The topic was so popular and the subject so important, I wanted to share five more keys with you.

So here are five more keys to staying happily married based on  our personal experiences:

One: Make Time for Each Other

Carolyn and I have been busy people and sometimes extremely busy. Can you relate?

As I write, Carolyn is leading her high school girls Tuesday evening mentoring group. Last night, after working all day, we met with our Prayer and Advisory Group. Tomorrow Carolyn will be out all evening again. During the past two weeks I have been traveling at least part of the week.

When our children were younger, the pace was even more hectic.

But no matter how busy we have been, “each-other” time has always been a high priority.

One way we accomplish this is by finding activities that we both enjoy. Some activities I enjoy and Carolyn doesn’t. Other activities she enjoys but I don’t. We try to avoid those and invest our time, especially when the kids were young, in doing activities we BOTH enjoy. For example, we both enjoy antiques, so we have enjoyed shopping together, sometimes buying and sometimes generally admiring antiques together.

Two: Learn a Foreign Language

Perhaps you have heard about the five love languages concept by Dr. Gary Chapman. 

He tells how different personalities express love and want to receive love in five different ways.

• One: Receiving Gifts

• Two: Quality Time

• Three: Words of Affirmation

• Four: Acts of Service

• Five: Physical Touch

For Carolyn, Acts of Service speaks love. The problem is that frankly I would usually rather be served than to serve. So it is sometimes tough to be a servant. But when I do it, I really fill Carolyn’s love cup and that enhances our relationship.

For me, Words of Affirmation speak love. Since Carolyn doesn’t naturally speak this language, she has to make a conscious effort to use it. When she forgets I pull it out of her by asking something like, “Do you think I’m the smartest, handsomest, cleverest, sexiest hunk in the world?” She says, “Yes.” Then I respond, “Wow, I love it when you say things like that.” Then we enjoy a good laugh together.

Three: Don’t Hang Wallpaper Together

It’s a cliché, but there is wisdom in this advice. We didn’t realize this early in our marriage. We actually once tried hanging wallpaper together in one small area. The rest is Mark and Carolyn relationship lore.

Here’s the principle: Avoid situations that put you at odds with each other.

This might include things like:

• Dancing: A few years ago we thought it would be fun to take dancing lessons: ballroom, swing, tango, etc. Carolyn is a better dancer than me. So she naturally wants to take the lead. But if she does, I get offended because the guy is supposed to lead. You can see the problem. We don’t do much dancing now.

• Business Partnership: Some couples can work together well in a business. For others, it is far too much closeness. If it doesn’t work for you, avoid it.

Four: Spend Less Than You Earn

So many marriages experience immense stress due to overstretched finances.

The underlying problem is similar to what we teach our children about taking too much food: “Don’t let your eyes be bigger than your stomach.”

Similarly, smart couples don’t let their eyes get bigger than their bank account.

Just like the mashed potatoes and gravy look so good that kids pile on too much, “stuff” looks so good that we pile on far more than our actual finances.

The answer is to be satisfied with less. The joy of more is temporary, and the resulting financial pressure is unrelenting. It is not worth it.

Make the first item in your budget “ourselves,” meaning your savings. Shoot for a goal of 10% savings. Use your savings to pay off debt and share the joy of financial freedom. We have found financial freedom a great blessing to our marriage.

Five: Use Strategic Words and Phrases

The book of Proverbs (in the Bible) says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (18:21). You can kill your marriage by using harmful words and phrases. Conversely, you can breathe life into your marriage through good words.

Here are some strategic words and phrases that have helped us stay happily married for 34 years:

• Good morning gorgeous

• My mistake, I’m sorry

• Please and thank you

• You first

• I sure am lucky to be married to you

• You were right

• Tell me more

• I understand

• You’re the best thing that ever happened to me

• I’ve been thinking about you all day longI love you

Five Keys To Stay Happily Married For 34 Years

Carolyn and I celebrated 34 years of joyful marriage just a few weeks ago on Sunday, August 4, 2013.

In San Diego on our anniversary. Did you see the statue of the WW II kissers in the background?

We marked the day by first going to church. After church we went to the gym. Then we left for San Diego where we went out to dinner and walked around Seaport Village shopping area by the San Diego Bay.

Then we went to an outdoor concert. Burt Bacharach performed with the San Diego Symphony.

Burt is the composer of many popular songs such as “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head,” “What the World Needs Now is Love,” “Walk on By,” “Do You Know the Way to San Jose,” and “Alfie.” He’s 85 years old, yet still touring with his band, playing piano, and singing his songs.

It was a wonderful day.

But a great day doesn’t make a great marriage. That happens in the trenches of day-to-day living. It comes through good decisions, discipline and growth.

Here are five keys to staying happily married from our experience:

One: Never Use the “D” word or the “S” Word. 

Like every married couple, Carolyn and I have lived through some major difficulties, both in our marriage and in other areas of life (jobs, leading churches, health, raising children, etc.). But as hard as things got, we have always kept our commitment never to consider or threaten each other with the “D” word: divorce, or even the “S” word: separate.

I recognize that in some marriages these are inescapable. But if more couples were determined to avoid these two words and not even consider them, there would be fewer divorces and separations. Our commitment has always been to work things out, rather than even consider a bailout.

For a happy marriage, avoid the “D” and “S” words! | CLICK TO TWEET

Two: Laugh at Your Differences

This might sound impossible, but give it a try, it’s fun.

Carolyn and I are different in many ways. We have differences in thermostats, cleanliness, tastes, recreational preferences, expressions of love.

When we see things differently, we have choices to make: Will we be obstinate in preferring our own way? Will we become irritated at what we think is our spouse’s “irrational” thinking? Will we argue about which way is best?

As much as possible, we try to laugh at our differences.

When Carolyn says it’s cold, I laughingly agree and say “yep, it’s freezing” as I wipe sweat from my forehead. We laugh together and move on.

When I share that it would be fun to go to a museum, we chuckle about how I can spend endless hours in a museum reading all the exhibits and Carolyn can breeze through in a brisk walk.

When Carolyn says we need to go shopping and I need to go with her, we laugh about finding a chair in the clothing section where I can sit, work on my iPhone or even take a nap.

After we smile at our differences, we quickly negotiate a win/win compromise and move on.

Three: Avoid Marriage Busters

What are marriage busters? They are behaviors that might be legal, but tend to break marriages.

Here are some examples: flirting, pornography, overspending, Facebook friendships with old or new flames, lunches alone with coworkers of the opposite sex, sharing intimately with friends of the opposite sex.

Call us legalistic if you will. We prefer to think of ourselves as careful with one of our most precious possessions: our marriage.

Four: Refuse Anger, Sarcasm, Biting Words and Hurtful Jokes

Many use angry, sarcastic biting words with their spouse that they would never use with a stranger. Their spouse becomes the butt of their jokes.

How bizarre that we treat those we love worse than a perfect stranger. | CLICK TO TWEET

While I stated this key negatively, our goal should really be just the opposite. I once heard of a husband whose goal was to give his spouse a different affirmation every day of their marriage.

Five: Have Fun Together

Perhaps you immediately think, “But we can’t afford to do fun things.” But I’m not necessarily talking about expensive hobbies or fancy meals out. If you love each other, fun can be inexpensive or even free:

We love to take walks together in the evening after work.We enjoy cleaning the house together.We have fun going to the warehouse store together.

For five MORE keys to stay happily married see my article HERE.

Do You Destroy Through Dependency?

A few years ago I visited a house church in Mysore, India and was blessed to give the Sunday morning sermon. There were about 25 precious Indian Christians in attendance.

That’s me speaking in that house church in India

When it came time for the offering I contemplated what to give. I wanted to be generous—the church didn’t have much. But how generous should I be? I decided to put two twenty U.S. dollar bills in the offering. Forty dollars seemed like a fair amount—much less than we give to our home church in the USA, but enough to help them along.

But was I ever in for an eye-opening.

On the train ride back to the city after the service, the pastor let me know what a big mistake I had made. “You created a problem today with your offering,” he explained. I was taken aback by his comment and wondered if he was joking. But he was quite serious. He continued to explain, “We have never received a gift so large before and probably never will again. Now the congregation will think I have wealthy donors in the USA who send money and that they will not need to give. Their tithes and offerings will seem small and unimportant compared to what you have given and they will be reluctant to practice stewardship.”

I was stunned.

I honestly thought I had given a modest amount that would be a blessing. I had no idea that I could be creating a problem.

Later I asked the pastor, “Who is the wealthiest person you know personally?” He said it was an Indian mission leader whom we both knew. When I asked why he considered this leader to be wealthy, he said it was because he owned an automobile. Well, I happened to know that the car he owned was an older vehicle that most Americans would consider a jalopy, and in fact at that moment it had broken down and was not even usable.

I now understand that the pastor was right; my giving helped create an expectation for dependence on “rich” Americans.

Since this incident I have studied and thought about dependency in missionary work and in other contexts. I have made it a point to be more thoughtful and careful about helping and giving in a way that might create dependency issues.

An unfortunate mistake turned into a good lesson learned.

There are other instances where we can create dependence.  For example:

When parents do their children’s homework or chores. The child might get an “A” on the assignment, but what has he learnedWhen the government hands out benefits to people who could earn their way but won’t work.When churches hand out assistance to able-bodied people who could work but instead are working the system.

Am I suggesting that there are never legitimate needs for help? Absolutely not, and we need to meet those needs.

However, I am suggesting that before helping people we must carefully consider how our gift could affect the recipient—like I should have done in Mysore.

To help evaluate what to do in order to avoid dependency, here are some questions to ask:

• Am I convinced that I am giving to a person who is truly in need and not just lazy or working the system?

• How might my giving negatively impact this person’s motivation?

• Is this person truly needy or just seeking a better lifestyle?

• How might my giving create dependency?

• What are my own personal motivations for giving or helping? (To assuage my guilt, to get them off my back, to impress someone with my “generosity”?)

• If I give now but don’t continue giving, what will happen? Have I given a fish or taught them how to fish?

I hope these questions help you to evaluate when to give and what to give. It can be tricky.