6 Strategies To Handle Insults Without Becoming A Doormat

Early in my ministry I encountered a church member who thought it was OK to say whatever he thought about me as the pastor. One day in a church meeting he spoke up and said something very demeaning.

CC Image courtesy of hobvias sudoneighm on Flickr

I was shocked. Ironically his wife was extremely sensitive and would get offended at the slightest issues.

Stunned and not knowing what to do, I let it slide. But in retrospect, I am convinced that it would have been better to have addressed the unkind words. By not doing so he got the wrong message – that his behavior was acceptable. A friend later told me that he wished that he had spoken up as well.

It’s not that I was above criticism. The problem was the place and the tone in which he expressed his displeasure.

We can’t control what others will say but, we can learn how to respond well.

King David also had to learn to deal with negative comments.

2 Samuel 16:5-7 says: “As King David came to Bahurim, a man came out of the village cursing them. It was Shimei son of Gera, from the same clan as Saul’s family. He threw stones at the king and the king’s officers and all the mighty warriors who surrounded him. ‘Get out of here, you murderer, you scoundrel!’ he shouted at David.”

6 Strategies to Handle Insults:

1. Bear the Insults and Refuse to Retaliate

“And David said to Abishai and to all his servants, ‘Look, my own son seeks my life; how much more now may this Benjaminite! Leave him alone.’” (2 Samuel 16:11a)

Like David we should:

• Keep our cool. (Proverbs 15:1)

• Turn the other cheek. (Matthew 5:39)

• Refuse revenge. (Romans 12:19)

2. Take Some Time to Consider Three Questions

Ask yourself:

• Are these constructive or destructive comments?

• How would God want me to respond?

• What can I learn from this experience?

3. Respond Properly to Unkind Words

Remember: “A gentle answer turns away rage, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

• Plan to speak to the person in private.

• Don’t gossip about them.Thank them and request they share future concerns with you privately.

• Make them aware of your feelings and perspective.If there is no common ground, amicably agree to disagree.

• Forgive them even if they don’t deserve it, request it, or receive it.

4. Remember God is in Control

David said “and let him curse, for the Lord has told him to.” (2 Samuel 16:11b)

David had confidence that God was still in control and even Shimei’s cursing was under God’s prompting and control.

Through insults God may be:

• Directing us

• Teaching us

• Correcting us

It is tempting to forget that God is sovereign when we are insulted. But He is still on His throne and working all things together for good (Romans 8:28)!

5. Live for an Audience of One

We may be offended because our self esteem is based on admiration from others.

But living to please people is futile:

• Everyone has their own opinion.

• Some people are never happy.

Our focus should be on pleasing God, not people. “What I want is God’s approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10 GNB)

6. Trust God for Restoration

David said: “It may be that the Lord will look on the wrong done to me and that the Lord will repay me with good for his cursing today.” (2 Samuel 16:12)

David responded correctly and trusted God to reward him someday.

God is always able to repair the harm that has been done. We must pray, wait, trust and watch for the Lord to work.

Remember that God is:

• Faithful

• Just

• Good

• Kind

The “Prince of Preachers” Charles Spurgeon said, “Get your friend to tell you your faults, or better still welcome an enemy who will watch you keenly and sting you savagely. What a blessing such an irritating critic will be to a wise man. What an intolerable nuisance to a fool.”

If you found this post helpful, you might also benefit from my blog “3 Steps to Overcoming Betrayal and Building Trust Again.”

Fellowship With A Network Of 5 Million Persecuted Christians

Recently I spent a week with the leaders of a network of five million believers in China. It is an astounding movement of God, one of several to arise in China despite suppression by the government.

Chinese food is wonderful. Everyone eats communally out of the same bowls of delightful dishes, mostly fresh vegetables

The top leader, who was at our gathering, has spent 16 years in prison for his faith.

Other members of the network have spent various amounts of time in jail. One lady who picked us up at the airport was just released after three months incarceration.

For security reasons I cannot show pictures or give names.

What a privilege to be with such incredible men and women of God.

While I have been privileged to train members of this network for church planting, I felt like they should be training me!

What is their crime? It is the crime of sharing their faith—the same problem we read of repeatedly in the Acts of the Apostles which landed early believers in jail.

One saintly older woman shared how they beat them on the back with bamboo rods. She would try to wear a thick shirt to minimize the pain. Sleep deprivation, interrogation, and forced “confessions” are common.

In spite of all this, there are some five million who have come to faith and joined the underground house churches in just this one network.

What does the Bible say about persecution and what can we learn from these dear believers?

Here are five principles of persecution from Scripture:

1. Persecution is a normal part of being a Christian.

Did these Chinese believers do something wrong? If they were living agreeably, wouldn’t they have favor with people?

Not according to the Bible which says, “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.” (2 Timothy 3:12 ESV)

It is Christ-like to suffer persecution: “For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” (1 Peter 2:20-21 ESV)

2. It is an honor and a blessing to be persecuted for Christ.

Jesus said “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” (Matthew 5:11-12 ESV)

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” (1 Peter 4:12-14 ESV)

3. Persecution sometimes comes from the inside.

Note in the following passage that persecution came from “imposters:” “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” (2 Timothy 3:12-15 ESV)

Likewise, in the end times, we can expect persecution from “insiders:” “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name’s sake. And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.” (Matthew 24:9-14 ESV)

It was religious leaders who engineered the crucifixion of Christ.

Betrayal by religious people, by imposters and even by fellow believers adds another layer of pain in persecution.

4. God uses persecution for our refinement.

“But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. That’s why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm.” (1 Peter 5:10 CEV)

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5 ESV)

The pain of persecution can be lessened when we know we can be matured by it.

5. We must pray for, encourage and assist believers who are suffering.

“But you must defend those who are helpless and have no hope.” (Proverbs 31:8 CEV)

“Remember the Lord’s people who are in jail and be concerned for them. Don’t forget those who are suffering, but imagine that you are there with them.” (Hebrews 13:3 CEV)

A Final Word: To help support the persecuted church around the world, Carolyn and I financially support the ministry of International Christian Concern. We have no connection to this organization, but believe they are doing wonderful work.

In accordance with the biblical teaching above, I pray regularly for their daily update and recommend you do the same.

Ten Ways To Survive And Thrive In A Disaster

This week has been a week of major loss here in San Diego County. Dozens of homes and businesses have been destroyed by wildfires. Schools and workplaces have been closed.

The doctor’s office where my wife Carolyn works is up on the hill in the middle of the picture

My heart goes out to those who have lost so much.

The doctor’s office where Carolyn works in Carlsbad was right next to one of the heavy fire areas. Windows were broken as firemen had to get in to fight the fire. The carpet is ruined. The office will be closed at least a week.

But the dentist office right next door (same building) was totally demolished. The roof is caved in. It won’t be able to reopen for 6 to 9 months. Wow. We are so thankful this did not happen to Carolyn’s employer.

Disasters come in many varieties and sometimes have many fatalities.

My Danish great-grandfather, Eskild Alfred Eskildsen survived the sinking of the SS Norge passenger liner in 1904.

The ship left Denmark and was on route to America with 635 passengers when disaster struck. It hit the St. Helen’s reef by Rockall in the frigid Atlantic waters hundreds of miles out to sea.

In only 20 minutes, the ship sank, leaving 80% of the people to perish and only 160 survivors. The Norge had 8 lifeboats which were tragically under-filled.

Challenges like this reveal a person’s character. In a desperate moment, my great-grandfather made the right decisions.

Here are ten ways to survive and thrive in a disaster:

1. Acceptance

Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble.” (John 16:33)

Accept that disasters happen to everyone.

2. Rest in Jesus to Remain Calm

The entire verse cited above says, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 ESV)

Our demeanor may determine the outcome for ourselves and others. Many of the SS Norge crew and passengers panicked and many lives were lost.

As believers we can face disaster confidently with Jesus Christ. If survival is not our outcome, as a believer we know our heavenly future is far better than anything!

3. Maintain Integrity

My great grandfather was responsible for passenger care as a ship steward. He remained at his post, keeping his word even when his own life was in danger.

4. Be Courageous

Courage is facing fear in spite of our feelings.

Though Jesus Christ could have freed Himself, He had courage and submitted to the Father, willingly suffering and dying for our sins.

5. Serve Others

It is understandable and common to think of ourselves during disaster. But like Jesus, we are called to serve others even to the end.

The Bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

My great grandfather put others first by helping women and children into their life belts and life boats.

6. Do what You Can

During a disaster it is important to keep moving and do whatever is humanly possible to improve conditions.

After my great grandfather was taken aboard lifeboat 4, they took turns rowing for hours in shifts.

7. Depend on God

The passengers on lifeboat 4 prayed and depended on God. Their prayers were answered with mussels to eat and some rainwater to drink.

Contrary to depending on God, living independent from Him creates anxiety and inner tension.

We need to go to God for His:

• power

• wisdom

• knowledge

Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

8. Persevere in Integrity

One lifeboat passenger gave in to his thirst and drank seawater with disastrous results.

1 Corinthians 10:13 is God’s promise to us that, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

9. Be Grateful

Practice gratitude to God for what remains and for answered prayers.

On day 8, the lifeboat was spotted and rescued by the schooner Olga Pauline. The passengers were gravely dehydrated and hungry, yet all survived.

10. Recover and Prepare

A year after returning to Denmark, my great-grandfather, his wife, and 7 children boarded another ship and arrived safely at Ellis Island, New York.

The Bible says, “We also boast of our troubles, because we know that trouble produces endurance,” (Romans 5:3)

Look for the positive in every negative. We can boast about trouble because we are exercising faith muscles. One positive in disaster is growing closer to the Lord. Each disaster can strengthen and help prepare us for the next one.

For an expanded account of the Norge disaster and my great-grandfather’s survival in three parts, start HERE