3 Valuable Tools To Resolve Conflict In A Hostile World

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As a new church planter, I was astounded that we faced serious conflict in the first two months. It wasn’t the heated boiling-over kind of conflict; it was more simmering and hidden, on the back-of-the-stove kind.

A mature leader and I went to the home of the family involved to discuss things, but when we rang the doorbell no one answered. We suspected they were home, but were avoiding us.

Unfortunately, I made lots of mistakes in that unhappy episode, and I have made many more since. But I’ve also learned a few helpful things from my own mistakes, from my training, and from mentoring by others.

Here are 3 valuable tools to resolve conflict in a hostile world:

01. Remember that Every Leader Faces Conflict

Even the godliest leaders of the Bible could not escape conflict.

Joseph offended his brothers so much they almost killed him and sold him into slavery.Moses fought with friends and foes alike.The Apostle Paul parted company with the gracious “son of encouragement” Barnabas.Jesus was the perfect leader, yet he was hated and crucified.

Conflict is normal; how we handle it is the key.

Conflict is normal; how we handle it is the key. | CLICK TO TWEET

Jack Walker, a seasoned Christian leader, counseled me about conflict in the workplace. He said, “Keep your expectations low and your hopes high.”

Do your best to solve conflict, but don’t think you can avoid it entirely. Don’t be discouraged, be encouraged that you have an opportunity to learn and grow. Sometimes we develop the best relationships with those we disagree with most.

02. Humble Yourself

Jack also counseled that the problem is usually not aptitude but attitude – particularly pride and an unwillingness to humble ourselves.

He related a story about the well-known reference book, The Preacher’s Outline and Sermon Bible. It is a reference I absolutely love. Although over a million copies are in print, the author humbly insists on being completely anonymous. The author also refused an offer of a million dollars royalty for his work, believing God would rather have him serve with minimal compensation. What a great example of humility.

Scripture has much to say about humility and serving others, such as, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). “But whoever would be great among you must be slave of all” (Mark 10:43b, 44).

03. Speak the Truth…in Love

Walker emphasized that it is most important for the team to agree together to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

It does no good to bottle unhappy situations, they eventually boil over. And when they do, there is often an explosion.

At the same time, we must choose words wisely. Ill-chosen words can make a difficult situation worse.

Proverbs 15:1 says,

“A soft answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger. “

Proverbs 16:24 (ESV) says,

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb,

sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

Using these 3 tools won’t end all your conflicts. But they can certainly help minimize the amount and severity. You CAN resolve conflict.

May this verse be true of you: “When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” (Proverbs 16:7 ESV)

4 Ways To Find Contentment Now

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It was wrong and I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to stop envying a church planter in my area whose church seemed far more successful. In fact, every Sunday I had to drive past his church to get to my temporary facility, and when I drove by my thoughts were along the lines, “Why does he seem to have so much more success, Lord? It’s not fair. He has a nice facility; I have a temporary facility. He has a big crowd; I have a little huddle.”

CC Image courtesy of Tony Hochstetler on Flickr

It didn’t occur to me that there were a lot of other factors involved. I knew virtually nothing about how his church started. I had no idea if they were leading people to Christ. I did not know about his walk with God. I did not consider God’s sovereignty. I just knew I coveted what he had.

I did not consider God’s sovereignty. I just knew I coveted what he had. | CLICK TO TWEET

After a year or so of this sinful attitude, one night I attended an evening service at that church. Their District Superintendent was there. To my amazement, I had stumbled into a service where they were discussing what to do now that their pastor had been caught in adultery.

His family was shattered, his ministry ruined, and his testimony to the community was stained.

I started to learn a lesson that evening about the foolishness of envy. The Bible has strong words to say about what I was doing; “For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic.” (James 3:15)

Ouch—jealousy is so evil it is called “demonic!”

But how can we overcome envy? Even the persistent, deep-rooted kind that I had?

Here are 4 ways to overcome envy and find contentment:

01. Stop Making Comparisons

Comparison is the root of envy. If we eliminate comparison, we automatically eliminate envy. And as a bonus, we help to eliminate pride when we seem to have more than others.

Scripture says: “Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” (2 Corinthians 10:12 ESV)

OK, it is hard not to compare when everywhere you turn, you see what others have. This week my friend Steve caught me comparing again and called me on it. I thanked him for his gentle rebuke that day and again the next day. I needed it.

God’s warning in James is clear: “For where envy and self seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.” (James 3:16 NKJV)

02. Be Content with What you Have

God’s instruction to us is also clear: “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for He has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” (Hebrews 13:5 ESV)

There are always those with more:

If we have a nice house, we can certainly find someone with a nicer house.If we have influence, there are those who have more.If we have money, there are those with more.

Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we must find contentment in what we have and remember that everything in this world is very temporary.

Real wealth is found at the end of the verse above, “for He has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” (Hebrews 13:5 ESV)

Steve Jobs had immense money, prestige, influence and most anything he wanted. But in the end, all that mattered was his relationship with the Lord Jesus, or lack of it. Click here to find eternal riches.

03. Thank God for What You Have

Our family just finished building and moving into our “dream home.” But with boxes everywhere and so many details unfinished, it is easy to focus on the mess and the unfinished, resulting in discontent in our dream home. Kinda turns our dream home into a tent of discon-tent! What a waste.

The answer is obvious.

Instead of focusing on the unfinished, we must focus on and thank God for the finished.Instead of focusing on the mess, we must focus on and thank God for all that has been accomplished.Instead of focusing on all the work to be done, we must focus on and thank God for all the work that has been done.

Doing this is quite biblical: “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NLT)

The truth is that we don’t really so much “find contentment” as “cultivate contentment.” If we nurture a comparing, complaining attitude, we will reap discontent. But if we cultivate a grateful attitude, we will find contentment.

 04. Trust God to Provide

Perhaps your envy is rooted in real need:

• You don’t have enough funds to pay your bills

• You need a job to support your family

• You need healing.

These are not just luxuries, they are real needs. I get it. And God understands.

So what is the answer to find contentment in these situations of real need? The answer is to thank God for this opportunity to trust Him to meet your needs and then wait to see how He provides.

“And my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19 KJV)

Thank God you are in a prime opportunity for a miracle of God’s provision. What is a miracle? It is that act of God that fills the gap between our need and our lack of resources. If there is no “impossible” need,

there can be no miracle. Thank God and watch for his provision.

If there is no “impossible” need, there can be no miracle. | CLICK TO TWEET

May you find contentment no matter your situation today!

How To Know If You’re Headed For Burnout And What To Do

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One very hot Saturday in August 1997 I went running. I ran hard and when I got to my street, a neighbor lady looked at me and quipped, “You look like you’re having a heart attack.” I thought she was just joking, but she wasn’t too far from the truth.

CC Image courtesy of Bark on Flickr

Although I wasn’t having a heart attack, I soon realized that my heart was not working properly. It turned out that I was having my first major episode of atrial fibrillation—a condition which means that my heart was beating far too fast and in spasms. Not fun!

Another memory from that day is a nurse in the hospital who commented, “You’re kind of young for this kind of heart problem, aren’t you?” She was right, I was headed for burnout—it was a dangerous situation, not only for my heart, but also in my whole lifestyle.

I had been working two jobs, and not giving justice to either. I was planting a new church. At the same time I was attempting to lead the church planting efforts of our denominational region, a job that could easily be full-time. In addition, I was the father of 3 young children and trying to be a good dad.

Yep, I was definitely headed for burnout.

But I am not the only one who has made this kind of mistake. In fact, back in the days of Moses, he was definitely trying to do too much—working too many jobs and headed for burnout.

I encourage you to read the entire story of Moses in Exodus 18 and how he was headed for burnout. You’ll see that thankfully, Moses’ father-in-law saw the folly of his ways and gave him some sage advice that turned things around.

Based on Moses’ experience, here are some ways to alleviate the pressure when you are headed for burnout:

01. Listen to Those Who Care

If you read between the lines in Exodus 18, it seems like Moses’ wife, Zipporah, probably complained to her daddy, Jethro, that Moses was too busy caring for the children of Israel to care for his own two sons.

After watching Moses for a day we read that, “When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, ‘What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?’” (Exodus 18:14 NLT)

Great things were happening in Moses’ career (see Exodus 18:9), but it was coming at the expense of a happy family and proper balance in Moses’ life.

Thankfully, Moses listened to someone who cared for him and his family.

In my case, I listened to my heart, literally, and it was way out of sync.

02. Sacrifice Your Superhero Complex

Jethro concluded, “‘This is not good!’ Moses’ father-in-law exclaimed. ‘You’re going to wear yourself out—and the people, too. This job is too heavy a burden for you to handle all by yourself.’” (Exodus 18:17-18 NLT)

I chuckle whenever I read this verse. Here’s Moses thinking he is the answer to everyone’s problems, working from sunup to sundown (18:13) and headed for burnout.

Relief begins when we realize that we aren’t the answer to everyone’s problems. | CLICK TO TWEET

The problem of course is that it feels good to be “the answer” to people’s problems. It feels great to be the kingpin, the be-all end-all, and the knight in shining armor on a white horse. We feel needed, powerful, on top of the heap. While in fact we are putting ourselves on the bottom of the pile.

The answer: Give up the Superhero Complex before you land in the hospital like me, OR embarrassed before your father-in-law, wife, and others.

03. Enlist Others to Help

Jethro’s wise words to Moses were: “Now listen to me, and let me give you a word of advice, and may God be with you. You should continue to be the people’s representative before God, bringing their disputes to him. Teach them God’s decrees, and give them his instructions. Show them how to conduct their lives. But select from all the people some capable, honest men who fear God and hate bribes. Appoint them as leaders over groups of one thousand, one hundred, fifty, and ten. They should always be available to solve the people’s common disputes, but have them bring the major cases to you.” (Exodus 18:19-22 NLT)

Moses needed help. Jethro showed him how to organize the help he needed.

Moses followed his advice. The result was a long life, a happy wife and people he led who were cared for without having to wait in a long line all day to see the superhero.

After my heart scare, I began to take my “headed for burnout” situation seriously. Hopefully it won’t take something that drastic to turn you around.

I resigned both jobs within a short time and moved to a role that was not only less stressful, but also afforded me work that was far more productive. Instead of planting a church, I began to train others to plant tens of thousands of churches.

Less stress, more effect. Imagine that. | CLICK TO TWEET

If you see yourself headed for burnout, may I suggest you get away on a vision retreat to seriously consider your situation and what is most important to focus on.

For more help with taking a Vision Retreat or Prayer Retreat, see my articles on:

• 7 Steps to a Productive Vision Retreat

• So You Think You Can’t Take a Prayer Retreat?

• Who Needs a Vision Retreat?

For more help with achieving focus, see my articles on:

• How a Life Vision Helps You Reduce Stress and Accomplish More

• 4 Easy Steps to Set Goals and Become Far More Productive

• 4 Steps to Identify Core Values and Make the Best Decisions

• What is the Meaning of Life?